Anger, like all emotions, is good life energy dressed up in the clothing of thoughts. Habituated anger-creating faulty beliefs and thinking errors shape emotional energy into anger at the drop of a hat. Before tackling these, let's get a few points clear.
In sexual victimization, emotions are often suppressed. The bottling and corking of emotions can become habituated - continuing long after the victimization has stopped. Consider that secrecy-maintaining has not only kept you from talking to others about what has happened to you, but has also prevented you from thinking and feeling in a full, free and satisfying manner. Denial and secrecy-maintaining will do that.
As your healing takes place, there will likely be some anger-creating thought patterns surface. These will shape and colour your emotion-al energies into anger, immediately. You might find yourself being cranky, irritable or explosive. You may have periods of seething anger. You may lash out at innocent by-standers in your life - your children, your spouse, your colleagues, your friends or anyone who gets in your way. Your ability to tolerate frustration may have done a disappearing act.
If this is happening to you, congratulations. You are no longer suppressing your anger. You are standing up for yourself. Now, there is a price tag attached to dumping your anger all over everyone around you - at the very least you'll start losing popularity contests. I recognize this, but it is critical for you to realize that that troublesome behaviour has health inside of it. It's a good idea to find ways of showing anger that don't have such a high price tag - but don't condemn the anger. Find other ways to honour it and to get it out. And yes, this is another reminder about honouring your emotions.
Not all anger is a problem. Some of it releases and focuses the energy needed to stand up for ourselves and to do difficult things. On the other hand, outrage, temper tantrums and the verbal abuse of others may wreck your good relationships, preventing you from enjoying life. That's the kind of anger to sort out.
you or someone you care about. In all three cases, it usually comes in the form of I-can't-stand-it statements and ones that begin something like this:
"You should . . ." "You must . . ." "They must . . ." Or, the ever popular, "Life must be fair."
Here's the wonky thing about these statements, the thing that makes them so irrational. They are demands that people or events act the way you say, just because you say so. It assumes that you are the ruler of the universe or something like that. It assumes that you are in such an exalted position that you are able to control others. Arguing with these positions until you can see and understand their illogical foundations is often enough to bring anger down a few notches. It's that simple. It just takes practice and repetition. Shit happens some of the time. We do our best to deal with it, but to expect it never to happen is not being realistic. The best bet is to dispute irrational demands that it never happen.
Due to the secrecy-maintaining aspect of sexual victimization, it is a good idea to develop ways to express anger that are constructive, that don't make your life miserable - the letter writing exercise for example. When dealing with others, saying, I'm angry because you didn't do the dishes! is more helpful than saying, "You're a jerk!".
Sharing angry feelings, talking about them, screaming them at an understanding fence post, walking them around the block, and writing them down, are all good ideas. For some of you, giving the police information about the criminal offences against you is a useful and helpful angry expression. Healing yourself can also be a wonderful focus for your anger. Remember. Honour your anger first. Then track down the thinking that keeps it at a hard-to-live-with level. The emotional energy that has been locked up can be yours again.