We understand that Chris Columbus & Co. tortured themselves with fear and panic because of a faulty belief that they would sail off the edge of the world, but what about you and I? What faulty beliefs do we carry with us? Here are some of the usual ones. How they work in relation to sexual victimization will be discussed further along.
Let's suppose I say to you: "You should do better. You should handle your life better. You should take care of yourself better. You should get the dishes done. You should . . . "
Is your automatic response to tell me to take a flying leap at a rolling donut, or something to that effect? That would be mine too! And no wonder. It is disrespectful for me to assume such a better-than-thou position. It's also illogical of me to assume that it is my job to run your life for you. The word should implies a self-appointed, superior, ruler-of-the-universe status - a very wonky notion.
We often use should statements on ourselves as well as others. Should statements cause emotional distress when they are applied to one's self, as in:
- "I should have . . . .",
- "I should be more . . . ." ,
- "I shouldn't be . . . ." , or,
- "I shouldn't do . . . . "
Should statements may also mean:
"I should . . . . and if I don't, then I'm an enormous let down!"
In this instance, the emotional distress will be greater - obviously. The "I'm-an-enormous-let-down" part is a superb way to shape emotional energies into bummer feelings. Instant karma. Service with a frown. Should statements mean that life has absolutely gotta be the way I say, OR ELSE IT'S HORRIBLE! They are powerful emotion-shaping thoughts.
Should statements are a form of what is called absolutistic thinking - thinking which is rigid and possibly even fossilized - thinking that characterizes the phenomenon of the closed mind. Yikes!
There are many common variations of should statements. Here are three popular ones:
- "I gotta be . . . (or else I'm no damned good.)"
- "I have to be . . . (or else I'm no damned good.)"
- "I must be . . . (or else I'm no damned good.)"
Let's take a quick look at a typical should statement, and then dispute it.
"I should have handled myself better than I did."
Or in other words, "I gotta be perfect, in most important things, or else I'm a lousy failure."
Don't take my word that this is a cockamamie position to take. Kick it around, dispute, debate and seek reality.
Here are the big questions: "Do I know anyone who is perfect in most important things? Is this possible? Might I meet someone who is perfect? Is it possible for even one of the billions of humans on this planet to handle things perfectly most of the time?" No. Of course not!
Here's the next question: "Why do I think that I could be perfect when no one else is able to be so? Am I the Queen or King of Perfection?"
In disputing, we challenge our wonky beliefs, and hold them up to the light of day rather than just passively letting them clobber us. We seek the aha!-moment in which we see right through them - knowing their falsehood. Should-ing, must-ing and gotta-be-ing are very hard core mental pollutants. Should statements are also applied to other people and to life in general, and their emotion-shaping effect can be much the same, as in:
- "She has to agree with me on most important issues, or else ..."
- "Things must work out the way I want, or else I can't stand it."
Should-ing is also called the "Tyranny of the Should's", or "musterbation".
Awfulizing statements say that something is so horrible that it is impossible to cope with it. In repeating them in our heads, they become a pernicious form of self-propaganda, which soon results in self-defeat. For example: "When she or he doesn't show love and approval towards me, it's so awful. I just can't stand it."
The first problem with this statement is that it immediately shapes good emotional energy into an avalanche of anger, depression or frustration. The second problem is that it is based upon the faulty belief that your emotional well-being depends upon someone else's approval.
These statements create emotional distress. Why just sit there and take it? Debate, dispute and argue towards more enlightened points of view, until you actually understand, all by yourself, what is so illogical about them. Awfulizing is extremely habit forming, and requires a patient, persistent approach to see through it. Be gentle with yourself. Be lazy. Do just a little bit of work, and do it daily. Fuller understanding will come.
Example: We habitually think: "I can't stand this!" The truth in many instances is this: "I can stand this, but it is a nuisance." The problem with I-can't-stand-it statements is that they are emotion-shapers. They say: "This is a catastrophe!", when there isn't one.
When you can downgrade an "I-can't-stand-it" to a "this-is-just-a-pain-in-the-butt", you will have made progress. You will have taken some habituated thinking to the cleaners. Awfulizing is known by other names and terms, such as: making- mountains-out-of-molehills, catastrophizing and exaggerating.
A common awfulizing exaggeration uses the words always or never, incorrectly and inaccurately. Emotions will follow these whacky thoughts: "You never say a nice word to me!"; "You always forget to take out the garbage!"
Most of the time, the truth is not never or always, but sometimes: "You sometimes don't say a nice word to me." "You sometimes forget to take out the garbage." When we convince ourselves that these exaggerations are true, we will naturally feel as if they are true. Normal everyday language is littered with these distortions - so are feelings.
Gotta-have statements express the belief that I gotta have something or someone, or else I cannot be happy. They tell me that "I gotta have or I really need your affections or approval, or else!"
Let's suppose that you have a close friend who deserts you or ignores you. Let's pretend that you fill your head with need statements, gotta-have-or-else statements. You are now in a major bind, having convinced yourself that because of what has happened, life is hopeless.
Consider this: If your happiness and well-being really depends upon your friend's affection and approval, that this is a law of the universe, then how come you actually had some happy moment before you knew your friend? Do you see how this works? By learning how to debate and dispute these cockamamie beliefs, it is possible to downgrade a catastrophe to a disappointment that is not emotionally disabling. Look around you. People are doing this all the time. Relationships begin and end. Friendships are won and lost. People recover from this. They recover faster and more thoroughly when they clear up their self-injuring thinking as soon as they can. Of course, some people will torment themselves mercilessly for ages - becoming full-time citizens of Double Whammy City.
Human worth statements are based upon the faulty belief that we have the god-like status to rate humans beings, ourselves and others. They are also based upon an error of logic, which goes like this:
"Since I (you) have done a lousy thing, I am (you are) a completely lousy person."
Or, try this one:
"Since I have made some mistakes, I am one huge mistake."
The illogic of this kind of thinking means that if I have a pimple on my nose, then I am, as a person, one complete pimple. It means that if my behaviour has some blemishes, then all of my behaviour is blemished, and that I am a blemish. Because I haven't handled everything in my life perfectly, does that make me a complete washout as a person? Human worth statements sometimes act as filters. Non-blemishing evidence is filtered out and ignored.
For example: "I am a loser." In truth, there is no such thing as a loser. All of us lose at some things, some of the time - but never all the time.
Destructive self-worth statements are often tied in with "I-gotta-be-perfect" thinking which is equally loony.
ments to ourselves. For instance, if your body or wardrobe doesn't conform to their standards, then you are definitely a sub-standard human. How about the messages from TV commercials: If I drink a certain brand of virile beer, or drive a virile car, then I will never be impotent. Good grief.
I gotta have the approval of the main people in my life - all the time.
I gotta do most things well, or I'm no good.
I can't stand it unless things go the way I want most of the time.
Life must be fair to me most of the time.
Anyone who treats another person unfairly is a completely worthless person.
If I can't depend on others, then I can't be happy and life is horrible.
Human value can be rated.
I am at the mercy of past experiences. There is no way out of this trap.
I cannot change the way I feel. It all depends on what happens to me.
When other people are unhappy, I can't be happy.
If I don't spend a lot of time fussing over problems, I will never be able to solve them.
I gotta be perfect in my efforts to solve my problems.
I can't stand it when other people don't see things the way I do.
Walking away from problems is easier and is less work than facing them.
It is possible to have a perfect relationship.