THE GNIRELPPIN SAGE

(Written by Aaron at 3 A.M., at age 17)

I shivered, and yet the hot sun and warm breeze forced itself apon me. I knew I was close. I could taste the age old presence. I knew that soon, I would once again grasp the mythical power and harness the energy once so pure, but now spoiled and forgotten. I crept through the thick underbrush, wiping away the insects so common to South America.

The curved rock face of Gnirelppin cast its shadow over the area and served as a looming backdrop to the steaming jungle. The noise of the forest cackled in the distance behind me, but not a sound came from the direction I faced, and it was this that confirmed my location. Deftly maneuvering around thick foliage and tangled vines, I creeped closer to my goal.

And then, like the opening of a heavy curtain, the jungle released its tight grasp from around me, as I stepped into a clearing. From the clearing I had an excellent view of the mountain fortress. About halfway up a large hole had been carved from the rock, a gaping maw that swallowed the darkness.

Over the next hour I climbed the steep slope of rock, doing my best to calm my shaky nerves. The anticipation boiled off of me like a choking harbor fog. The cave was so close. I could smell the bat guano on the floor, inches above my head. With the last of my strength, but only the beggining of my willpower, I struggled to lift my tortured frame up and over the side. Once over I paused gasping on the floor, but only for a moment. Eagerness to explore overcame my exhaustion.

I quickly composed myself and turned on my trustworthy torch. I slowly inched into the blackness, shining the light ahead of me. It passed over rocky pillars, which dissolved into darkness as the light passed away. I pulled out the small bible-like book which had led me to this sacred place. I ran my hand over the small teeth marks in the cover and remembered the strange talking dog who had dropped it by my bedside one night.

It wasn't a dog I liked. It had nearly ruined my life, giving me only a taste of the power it knew of and then taking it all away and trashing my hopes and dreams, leaving me for dead in the bathroom of a bar in Regina. The trauma had led to my incarceration in a provincial hospital until just a few short months ago. Slowly, after being released, the memories started coming back. At first in dreams, then at more embarassing times like at lunch, and while sitting on the toilet.

And now here I was, about to harness a power far greater than the mere toy I had played with months ago. Suddenly I had my doubts. Could I handle it? Would I ever be able to lead a normal life again? No, that was the point, I had to tell myself. To escape from normality, to fly out of control and transform into someone or something else. And to see lots of nipples.

Gasping for breath, I stepped further into the cavern. Something small in the distance reflected light back from my flashlight. I foolishly quickened my pace without checking for dangers. My foot snagged across something thin and tight, and torches flared up lighting the cave. Loud scraping noises of mechanics activating after hundereds of years of dormancy echoed in the chamber.

"Shit!" I said as the booby trap sprung, "I should have known! After all, this is about as Indiana Jones as a script gets!"

I thought to myself quickly. What would the booby trap maker expect a normal person to do? Why, they would expect one to start running, to escape the trap! Forcing myself to be abnormal, I took several steps back and watched the show. Heavy rocks fell from the roof before me, poison darts flew from the walls, and giant spikes jutted from the ground desperatley yearning to impale something.

"Pitty the poor felow who gets caught in all of that", I thought.

Once everything calmed down, I started forward over the rubble. Twang! Damnit, I had hit the trip wire again. Stepping back, I watched the show unfold once more.

"Done yet?" I asked. Nothing. "Good." and I stepped forward. Twang! "Ah shit, I've got to stop doing this!" I said, stepping back. After about the 5th time triggering the same trip wire, I decided to tie a string around my right index finger, to remind me not to trigger the trap.

When I triggered it again, I stepped back and slapped myself, "Oh yeah, I was wondering why I had a piece of string tied to my finger!" Eventually, I must have crossed the area without hitting the wire by pure chance. It's not like I was looking out for it or anything.

I rounded a corner and there sat an enourmous pedestal. What was on its top, I could not see. Surrounding it were spectacular statues. There was a chimpanse on one side, grasping the pedestal, and an old Chinese man leaning agianst it on the opposing side. At its base lay a statue of the talking dog, symbolicly guarding the contents of the pedestal. These statues were great and all, but the most incredible thing there was the gigantic carved-out-of-stone breasts, each sporting a flawless 24-karot nipple. "Man," I whispered, "I wish I had those hanging on my wall at home!"

Using a piece of rope I had found in a shabby appartment, attached to some dead guy's neck, I stealthily climbed the pedestal. It made me feel kind of funny, like when we had to climb the 4000 year old rock pedestals in gym class.

As my eyes peered over the top, I could hear a magical humming sound. Then I saw it. Sitting on a cusion, was a perfect, gorgeous, flawless, beautiful, incredible, amazing, wondrous, superb, mystical, exquisite, faultless, extraordinary, impeccable, phenomenal, portentous, remarkable, astounding, indescribable, splendid, magnificent, marvelous, grand, impressive, worthy, dependable, dazzling, sumptuous......thesaurus!

Inside the cover of the thesaurus was a rather nifty looking nipple ring, taped to the cover with some leftover wrapping tape from Christmas. "I have found it at last!" I laughed in disbelief. I deftly tore apart the sticky mass of transparent tape and peeled off my shirt. I savoured the moment and then placed the ring to my left nipple. It seamlessly became a part of me. I laughed with the pleasure of having a nipple ring, while my right nipple sulked in the corner, jealous of the left.

A slightly canine voice echoed in the chamber. "You've done it now boy! Hoo hoo, are you ever gonna regret it!" I turned around and saw that the dog statue was missing. Some rock and dirt crumbled from above, landing on my head and getting in my eyes. I wiped the crud away and looked up to see the dog's ass, now flesh. He was squatting on the pedestal, shitting rocks and dirt out of his ass, and onto my face. I stepped back (seemed to me I had been doing a lot of that recently, but I couldn't remember why)

The dog looked back at me and snapped "Remind me never to drink Mr. Zooies mineral water again!" It leaped down to the floor and growled at me.

"You said I would regret something, what?" I asked it.

"MUWAhaHAhahaHAHAhaHAhaHAHAha!" it replied, "Oh you certainly will. You should have never harnessed the power of the nipple ring! Now you will bear the consequenses!" And with that said, it ran around in a circle three times and defecated twice, then skittered off into the blackness.

I heard a creaking sound behind me and saw that the stone breasts were cracking. Suddenly they burst and underneath was a real pair of giant breasts! "Woah! Awesome!" I screamed, and stepped back. The breasts started to grow....and grow.... and grow! After copping a quick feel, I started to run for the cave entrance, for the breasts were starting to fill up much of large cavern, making it just a little claustrophobic.

The breasts caught up, and knocked me off my feet, sweeping me up with a pile of hubris (and little spoon things, but that's another story). Sitting on the cascading pile of breast, I saw the light of the exit flying closer and closer. I screamed and put my hands in the air, like I has seen people do on roller coasters, but it didn't help any. The breast pushed me out of the mountain and poured out into the jungle below.

I screamed. Luckily I landed safely on a squashed monkey. Don't ask me how it got squashed, but good thing it was there to break my fall. At a safe distance, I looked behind me at the mountain. It was cracking apart, and the earth was quaking. I decided not to wait around.

I used the strengthening powers of my nipple ring to flee through the jungle and to my private helicopter, which I had stolen from some guy. I was so tired when I got home I decided to go relax at the beach. When I arrived there were a few women wearing big bulky shirts, and several guys crying. The women seemed reclusive and didn't want to talk.

I ventured up to one of the guys and asked what was wrong. "Where have you been, man? The breasts! They've dissapeared!" he screamed, breaking down into a puddle of tears.

I saw a slim form of the female persuasion wearing a skimpy outfit jogging along the beach towards us. She was very well endowed. The other men stopped their sobbing and watched in eager hope. The woman saw all of us gawking, and waved and said "Hi."

Then she screamed, and clutched at her breasts.The began to diminish rapidly, which sent up a wail of protest from the male group, and myself. After a few moments, her bikini top hung limply over her chest, with nothing to conceal. I stared in disbelief and the woman feinted.

The man looked up at me teary eyed and muttered "If I ever find the person who's responsible for this, I'll-" he stopped, staring at me. His saddened eyes turned to anger and I knew what he was staring at. "You! It's you! Isn't it! I'll kill you, you nipple ring wearer! Kill you! You made the breasts go away, didn't you! Ahhh!" and he charged me, followed by all the other beach-goers. I ran like I had never ran before, except for the other times I had ran.

Once in saftey I found my way home and slipped on a shirt. I went for a walk around the city. Everywhere, flat chested women. There was a very sad atmosphere.

I thought it over. The breasts must be going somehwere, because of conservation of mass....hmm, I wonder where all that breast mass in the cavern came from anyway. Oh well guess it's just one of life's little mysteries. I vowed that day, that some day I would figure it out, and restore the breasts to the world.

The End.


-Aaron Davidson